Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
