okay pat passed out under dana's car
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
