just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
