oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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