my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
