Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
nutella sex= disaster
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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