New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
