Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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