At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
