Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
