This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
