that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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