You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
