saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
