Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
