At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
