Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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