Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
