If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
