phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
did i just pee glitter
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
