i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
