The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
