He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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