Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You smell like a Billy Joel song
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
