I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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