So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
