well I can't set my house on fire every night
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
