I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Who died my cat blue again?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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