thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
