I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
