A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
