Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
