On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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