I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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