Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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