toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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