i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
