Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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