nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I want her autograph on my taint
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
