Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
