Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
