Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
