Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
