I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
