How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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