Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
