That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
