just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Panties = found
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