dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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