im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
